In which mini donkeys want treats, along with a suspicious letter from a ‘normal dog’

By Strider the Dog

Dear Strider,

We are a pair of mini-donkeys living the best life at a sanctuary in Phoenix. Last year they had this big festival, and tons of people visited and gave us love and bum scritches (our second favorite thing) and lots of treats (our very favorite thing). But the humans who take care of us weren’t too happy about the treat part. 

This year, the same festival  is coming up on June 9, and we’re hearing all sorts of crazy talk about not getting treats, and we’re seeing signs like “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” What can we do to get our treats and our beloved bum scritches on this special occasion? 

— Hungry for More Than Affection

Dear Hungry,

There’s a theme shaping up in questions to Ask Strider from the animal world. I mean, you should see the letters I don’t publish. These just about always involve food.

I get it, Donkeys. I get it, Cats. I totally get it. But surely you know your guardians are just looking out for you?

C’mon. There’s more to life than food. Actually, I can’t believe I said that, since two of the happiest times of day for me are breakfast and dinner. Then there are all those treat times in between. Duck jerky from Bi-Mart. Yum.

Give me a minute. I have to pull myself together.

But even more fun than food, is the time we spend with our loved ones. Although it’s true the times involving food are way up there in the hierarchy, and any time spent with loved ones and food is off the scale. Still, the more time we can spend with loved ones without being sick, the better. More time for bum scritches. Which, I must admit, I like too.

There are limit to what we can eat and still be healthy.

Can we judge this limit ourselves? Speaking for myself, well, no. I would just eat and eat and eat, especially that duck jerky from Bi-Mart (see above), and never stop, unless Tod stopped me. Herding dogs are like that. Are donkeys?

My guess is that donkeys, intelligent and adorable as they are (hi, Olive!), cannot stop themselves when confronted with a chocolate chip cookie. Amirite?

And yet we must be stopped. Gently. Firmly. Otherwise, the results are regrettable. We don’t want those results. We want to live in the finest of fettles in order to meet and greet new friends — and in your case, dear Donkeys, potential donors to your sanctuary. If you’re groaning with stomach pain in a corner of the paddock, how do you think that’s going to play? Donors will think your guardians aren’t looking after you properly, and those credit cards will fly right back into their wallets.

On the other hand, if you are the healthy, happy, captivating donkeys I know you are (hi again, Olive), those donations are gonna flow. And that means more health and more happiness for everyone.

Just saying.

Dear Strider,

I am a normal dog, residing in Southern Oregon.

My assistant’s name is Gray. He is a normal dog, also, though less interesting, and lacking in character. In an attempt to remediate his failings, our owner has started taking him to “agility” practice.

This involves Gray jumping though hoops and other foolish stuff, and fixes people’s attention unnecessarily on Gray.

I try to respond reasonably, by barking, howling, and biting the ground in an effort to make him stop. But the poor creature doesn’t understand, and persists in his pointless and demeaning antics.

How can I persuade Gray to remain aloof from silliness, as I do?

— Perfectly Earnest And Robustly Loyal

Dear Perfectly,

This letter seems suspicious to me. I know there are lots of people pretending to be who they aren’t online. So why not cats?

You, Perfectly, sound to me like a cat.  Two giveaways. “I am a normal dog living in Southern Oregon.” No dog would say this. We dogs don’t think about whether we’re normal or not. We just are.

The other obvious one is your “hope” to persuade Gray to “remain aloof.” This is also something no dog would say. On the other hand, I’ve heard this from plenty of cats.

So my advice is remain aloof yourself, Perfectly, if that makes you happy, and get on with having a great time as a normal American pretend dog, without bothering to hand out unwanted suggestions to anyone else. That would be my advice to cat or dog. Whichever you are.

In the meantime, Gray, you totally have my sympathy.

Do you think Strider is unjustly suspicious of Perfect Earnest And Robustly Loyal? Or maybe you have a good question or comment?  Either way, feel free to email askstrider@ashland.news and join the conversation.