July 23, 2024

Relocations: Where should we go this year?

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June 22, 2023

‘You Just Think You’ve Seen Everything Worth Seeing’

By Herbert Rothschild

Relocations is going to take a short break. I leave you with my traditional summer jeu d’esprit.

Matt: Peter, I want to travel this summer.

Peter: We’ve already seen everything worth seeing.

Herbert Rothschild

Matt: I thought so, too. But, yesterday, when I was on the Republicanwithdeeppockets website, I spotted a link to a travel agency called You Just Think You’ve Seen Everything Worth Seeing. So I clicked on it. You’d be amazed at the tours they offer.

Peter: I doubt it. We’ve been to La Mamounia in Marrakech, Four Seasons Resort in Dubai, the Mandarin Oriental in Hong Kong, Tiger Tops in Nepal, everywhere. We’ve seen the whole world.

Matt: Not the places on their Hidden Treasures tour.

Peter: Hidden treasures! Gimme a break.

Matt: They’re not what you’re thinking of. The first stop is at the Hot Bagel Shoppe in downtown Atlanta.

Peter: I hate bagels.

Matt: We don’t go to the counter. We go to the room where they store the sacks of flour. There are 40 sacks back there that don’t have flour in them. They have those 11,780 ballots that Trump asked Raffensperger to find for him.

Peter: How did they end up at the bagel shop?

Matt: It’s an incredible story. Our tour guide will tell us all about it. And guess who the guide is? Sidney Powell! She knows more about this stuff than anybody, even Rudy. And from what I’ve heard, nobody tells a better story than Sidney.

Peter: I don’t want to stand in a long line to get into the storage room.

Matt: Don’t worry. The tour company has arranged a private viewing for us.

Peter: What’s next?

Matt: The Comet Ping Pong pizzeria in D.C.

Peter: You don’t still believe Democrats conducted ritual child abuse in the basement there? Turns out it doesn’t even have a basement.

Matt: It has a storage room, just like the bagel shop in Atlanta.

Peter: Yeah, well, that guy from North Carolina went in with a rifle and shot the lock off that room. There was nothing.

Matt: Hillary was tipped off and had everything cleared out. Moved it all to a room in the bowels of the Capitol Building, but the tour company can’t get permission to take people down there. Still, Comet Ping Pong is where it all started. If our guys take over Washington in 2024, they’ll put up a historical marker there.

Peter: Doesn’t sound as interesting as the bagel shop. Maybe I’ll skip it and take Mitch and Kevin to lunch. What’s next?

Matt: A big hop, skip and jump to Baghdad.     

Peter: Good Lord!

Matt: This is huge, though. We’re going to see Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction. Before the invasion he stashed them in a cave near Rutba three hours west of Baghdad.

Peter: How could he move a nuclear weapons complex?

Matt: There weren’t any nuclear weapons. Powell just made that up. But there were chemical weapons left over from the ’80s when Saddam was fighting Iran.

Peter: So why weren’t they found? Little Bush was desperate to find something.

Matt: They were found, but it turned out that all the chemical feedstock came from the U.S. when Saddam was our guy. Cheney and Rumsfeld convinced Bush to keep quiet about it. It took some doing, though. He threw a tantrum. Wouldn’t stop until they promised they’d let him land a plane on that aircraft carrier.

Peter: I don’t want to think about all that stuff. It makes me wonder whether I’ve been pouring my money down the drain. Let’s just go play some golf at Mar-a-Lago. We can use the bathroom now.

Herbert Rothschild is an unpaid board member. Opinions expressed in columns represent the author’s views and may or may not reflect those of Email Rothschild at

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Bert Etling

Bert Etling is the executive editor of Email him at

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