Frustrated felines reach out for help

By Strider the Dog

Dear Strider, 

We have an issue with our humans, which is that they left us for a period of time to go off somewhere and enjoy life without us (as if). We had a lovely human come in to take care of us and spend nights with us, and naturally we cuddled up to her, not only because she was so nice but because we thought there might be some sympathy treats offered (sadly, there were not). 

Our question for you is: How long do we hold a grudge? You dogs seem pretty easygoing, but it’s different in Catland. We would typically ignore our humans for at least as long as they’d been away — but the truth is we were so glad to see them that we actually allowed them to pet us and even let a few purrs escape. 

Is there a balance here? What do you advise? The idea, of course, is to ensure they never leave us again. Ever. And to give us more treats. But we’re wondering whether these are achievable goals. 

— Love, Ashland Cats

Dear Cats,

At first I was worried I wasn’t going to be able to help you — dogs and cats being different, like we are. Don’t get me wrong, viva la difference, it takes all kinds to make a world, etc. etc. etc. But we dogs are simple beings. We’re not into much more manipulation than it takes to get a piece of cheese when there’s a slab being cut up on the counter by a susceptible human. Cats, on the other hand, in my experience, can work out a long-term strategic plan for control of their humans.

While this has certain advantages for the species (cats, not humans, I mean), it also has a potential to backfire. What heartens me about your question is that last sentence: “But we’re wondering whether these are achievable goals.”

Good question, cats.

Here’s my advice: The single best achievable goal is happiness between cats and cat guardians. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Today calls for happiness now. That means let your true feelings fly. You are happy to see your humans after, might I add, they left you alone with a decent pet sitter? Show your happiness! Frolic! I’m not asking you to be hypocritical, of course. If you feel like sulking, go right ahead. But be prepared not to be wooed. After all, you don’t know why the humans went away. It might be they were having fun without you. On the other hand, it might have been a stressful trip and all they want is a purring lot of you on their lap.

Can you bear to deny them this pleasure? Anyway, don’t stress yourselves in denying it.

If I might digress: I see this in humans all the time. Humans are constantly thinking up ways to manipulate their situations so they get more than their share, when if they would just relax and love what they have, life would be so much simpler. And fun. Like it is for us dogs.

Is it possible that humans are part cat? I wonder. Anyway, achievable happiness is the best goal there is. Full stop.

Good luck.

Dear Strider,

My human has a new partner who stays over a lot, and this means I no longer get the undivided attention I’m accustomed to. I can’t even get in a good snuggle because they are always squished up together when we watch movies. So far this week, I’ve knocked over a glass of red wine, eaten half a loaf of bread, and peed on the carpet — but nothing seems to get my point across. What else can I do?

— Disgruntled Feline

Dear Disgruntled,

This is a tough one. If you were a dog, I’d know what to say. Something like, I get that new members to the pack are destabilizing at first, but, with patience, they have a lot to offer. I’d say, why not try to give them some space, and be happy because your human is?

Somehow I feel this advice is not what you are looking for. I will be blunt here. If you continue on your vengeance trail as a way to force your human to cast out their new loved one, the outcome cannot be predicted. If they submit to what I can only call Bad Behavior Blackmail, you will realize it works, and escalate the next time they want to bring someone new home.

This will end badly. Either they take you to the vet, who probably prescribes kitty anxiety drugs, or they give you away to someone else. Even take you to the shelter to let it find you a new home. And you know what your odds are then. Please listen to me. These are not good outcomes. Stop now while everyone understands that you are upset, and are still cutting you some slack. Once you have sucked it up in a mature way, your best bet is to attempt to make friends with the interloper. Purr a lot (that’s what you guys do, right?). Rub up against their leg and look appealing. Perhaps chase a ball of yarn across the floor in an endearing way.

Think of it as an investment in potential double cuddles.

It’s your choice how you want this to work out. If you were a dog, I’d know how it was going to end. But with you, I can just say, please let me know what happens.

Good luck.

This week, Ask Strider celebrates Catty Corner, a new column from Ashland.news by Midge Raymond, focusing on all things Rogue Valley cat. Meanwhile, got a problem? Ask Strider is here to help, no matter what your species. Just email [email protected].