What can you do for your loved one at the end of their life?

By Strider the Dog

Dear Strider,

I follow your column, so I know you’ve answered a reader about how to help their dog cross over the rainbow bridge. And I know you answered someone else about the best way to treat a sick friend. So I have a question for you to weigh in on that’s kind of a really sad mix of the two. What’s the best way to act around a loved one who’s at the end of their life? I mean a human. We all want to do the best we can for her, but none of us know what’s best — being cheerful even when we don’t feel like it? Isn’t it bad to act like we know she’s leaving us, and making her last days even sadder? What do you think, Strider?

— Sorrowful Human

Dear Sorrowful,

It seems like we’re pals in grief. So I’ll do the best I can in my answer, which isn’t meant as advice. Just as the kind of mutual support friends give friends when things are tough. We dogs like to do that.

One of our loved ones is at the end of her life here, so I know what you’re talking about. Shadow is leaving us soon to cross the rainbow bridge. I knew it before Tod did; that’s how it usually is with us dogs. Then Tod realized what was happening. Shadow’s person was gone on business and couldn’t get back, so it was up to us to keep Shadow comfortable until he did. When we picked him up at the airport, she was so happy. She acted like normal for a whole day, and even went on her old 1-mile walk in the rain with him.

I’m telling you this, because really, the more important thing you can do for your loved ones at the end of their lives is just be there for them. When I first knew Shadow was leaving, I started sleeping next to her with our backs touching. Or I would lie with my nose on her bed, just keeping her company. When we all knew for sure she was fading, Tod, Woody and me just stayed near her all the time so she knew we were there. Tod fixed her special meals and treats. That was good.

Now Shadow’s special person is back. We’re all together again. You feel a lot of different things when a loved one is going. You feel sadness, of course, and sometimes you forget what’s happening and you feel cheerful. I think the best thing is to just act the way you’re really feeling and not pretend. We dogs know what those around us are really feeling, and I can’t believe humans are that much different. It’d be pretty weird if we weren’t all feeling sadness. No need to pretend we’re not.

Sometimes we feel angry. Then I guess it’s just good to leave the room and go outside for a walk, not trying to get rid of the anger, exactly, but letting it dissipate so there’s room for what’s underneath. Most of the time, it’s fear. That’s what anger is, usually. You really can’t help being afraid. But that is one feeling you can keep from your friend. It takes courage to hold onto your fear without spreading it around, and that’s the kind of courage your friend needs.

So I guess for a human, the dog way would translate as this: just be there. Hold your loved one’s hand. I put my paw on Shadow when she feels bad, and she likes that. Don’t feel you need to say anything, but if something comes up, don’t feel you need not to either. And try your best to be brave. That’s different from cheerful. That means you can face whatever comes for your loved one. That you’re with them until they disappear from this life.

It’s what I want from my loved ones when I’m going. And that’s what we’ll try to do for Shadow, even though we all think it’s too soon.

But then it always is too soon.

My paw on your foot. Really.

Feeling sorrowful? Or wanting to spread good cheer? Our advice columnist is wagging his tail no matter what when you join the conversation by emailing [email protected].