How to make friends and influence people — or not, as the case may be

By Strider the Dog

Dear Strider,

I had a good friend who just stopped speaking to me. When I asked her why, she told me I’d said something really mean to her on a day when she just couldn’t take one more mean thing. I totally don’t remember saying anything like what she says I did. I got kind of mad then, and wanted to know what she said that made me be mean. Anyway, after that, she stopped emailing and taking my phone calls.

Not sure what to do now. Do you have any advice for me?

— Sad Friend

Dear Sad,

This is the perfect occasion for what we at the dog park call a Time Out. Just the name should be pretty self-explanatory. What I mean is just relax and leave your friend alone for a while. What leaps out at me is that she said “she just couldn’t take one more mean thing.” Instead of asking her why she’d had a day like that where she just couldn’t handle something, whether she imagined it or not, you got all defensive and argued you hadn’t said whatever the thing was. You got mad. You didn’t hear what she said.

Try leaving her alone for a while. Then maybe go in a little more gently. Send a text or something, like “Hey, I miss you. I’m sorry I wasn’t hearing what you were saying to me about how you felt. Do you think you could give me another chance? I promise not to argue with you about it. Love you.” Something like that might make her think she is safe telling you how she felt, and maybe she’ll get back to talking to you again.

It’s worth a try. Good luck.

Dear Strider,

How do you make friends? I don’t have any, and I can’t figure out how to do it. It seems like everyone around me has absolutely no trouble getting together, but they all act like there’s something wrong with me when I approach them. It’s really unfair. I’m just as nice as the next person. Why won’t anybody be my friend?

— Friendless

Dear Friendless,

I had to take this one to the Old Cedar Tree. I almost didn’t understand the question, so maybe I’m the wrong dog to try to answer. I mean it’s always been the easiest thing in the world to make a friend at the dog park. All you have to do is wander up to them and ask how they’re doing. Conversation ensues, usually with many details about the new friend’s life.

I wondered if your problem was that humans don’t have dog parks, so I asked the Old Cedar Tree what they thought. This is what they said:

“Sometimes humans want to think they’re friendless. They might have an idea of themselves as different from everyone else, and even if they think the difference is that they’re worse, there’s a kind of comfort in thinking they’re special — that in being special they’re somehow better than the people they meet. Understandably, other people don’t like that. The best advice for your friend Friendless is to suggest they just start by asking the next person they want to be their friend something about themselves, just like you do at the dog park, and then really listen to the answer. Really be interested in the answer. That’s the best way to make friends. In fact, it’s the only way. Just moaning that you have no friends is the perfect way to drive any sensible human away from you fast. Or any sensible dog, for that matter.”

I’m not sure I understand all that advice, Friendless, but the Old Cedar Tree assured me you’d understand it. And that if you didn’t, you probably just wanted to stay the way you are anyway.

Good luck.

Need a friend? Why not email [email protected] and see what develops?